Last week for Valentine’s Day my husband & I switched minds! He wrote a beautiful romantic guest post, while I wrote a very practical straightforward list to share about relationships. Guess that means we don’t always have to fit into presupposed molds and patterns, right?

1) Don’t assume you know what your partner is thinking, even if you’ve been together forever. First of all, always ask good questions. Secondly, even if you probably have an expectation of what they might say, don’t let it color your question in tone. Making assumptions robs our conversations of freshness and whimsy. Here’s an example from our lives:  Turner asks me frequently and sincerely if I’m happy. Even if he anticipates my answer depending on the circumstance, he asks as if he truly wants to know, not as if he knows my answer rhetorically. He gives me a chance to authentically express myself without presuppositions.

2) Don’t try harder. John Ortberg in Becoming the Me I Want to Be says that sometimes we assume bettering our relationship with God, with others and ourselves means trying harder. But bettering ourselves, or our relationships, according to Ortberg, means trying softer. This means that we don’t create stress or tension in the trying. To me trying softer also means I am not striving so hard that it seems inauthentic.  An example from our lives:  I’m usually the quiet one in our relationship, whereas Turner (my pet name for CurtisJ) usually needs to think aloud and talk things through in detail.  I tend to try so hard to make sure he knows I’m listening that I catch myself saying “right”, “uh-huh”, “yep” ­a lot when he’s talking.  But I realized the other day I was trying too hard and interjecting nonsensically while he was talking. I couldn’t really listen because I was too worried about affirming him. I kind of replayed the video of us “talking” in my mind and couldn’t stop laughing about my silly responses! Anyhow, now I just sit and listen. I am trying softer to be a good listener.

3) When words aren’t enough, use touch. I’m not just talking about sexual intimacy, although that is very important. I’m talking about connecting emotionally through affection.  Words are important, but sometimes we can’t express ourselves adequately with words. A simple touch communicates volumes to someone who is hurting. A grasped hand during moments of joy says “I want to share this with you” without gushing. An example from our lives:  Sometimes Turner and I have “off” days, when we haven’t been able to connect much because of busyness or stress. On those days, I can’t sleep well until I feel him pull me closer to him or take my hand as we drift off to sleep. He doesn’t have to even say “I love you”. This simple action communicates a connectedness, a fitting together of our lives that we weren’t able to express throughout the day.

4) Get busy, and quiet, together. Doing a necessary task together might give you a chance to talk, but it’s important not to over-focus on each other’s mood or tone.  People who find it difficult to work together perhaps are simply talking too much while they work. Our tones can sometimes sound brusque if we are preoccupied with a task. But actions really do speak louder than words.  Doing something difficult or fulfilling together, however menial, alleviates the stress of deadlines or impending tasks that occupy too much of our thought process. An example from our lives:  A few weeks ago when I got way behind on laundry and housework because I’d been sick, Turner took most of his day off to slay the clothes monsters lurking in the hampers. My hero! This simple task communicated to me he noted something was bothering me, however trivial it may have seemed to him, and wanted to help alleviate the problem. Plus, because I am a girl with a very, determined singular focus, he didn’t try to talk to me too much while we worked!

5) Choose the right moment to remove the “nail”. There’s a video going around illustrating our differing forms of communications as men and women:  The husband/boyfriend is listening intently while his wife/girlfriend spills her heart out to him, telling him she doesn’t know what’s wrong and that she doesn’t know what to do. Meanwhile she has this huge nail sticking out of her forehead! Watch it here. Hilarious!! But the video also illustrates a valid ‘point’:  Sometimes there really is a simple solution to whatever is paining us! Pull the nail out of your head! But it’s also important to note that there is a right time to yank the nail or deal with an issue that might seem to have an obvious solution.  Sometimes, no matter how nonsensical it may seem, we just need to shut up, sit on our hands and listen. In our relationship we have slowly learned to give each other ‘cues’, and by ‘cues’ I mean pointed, obvious statements, like “I just need you to listen right now, not fix it.” An example from our lives:  I get weepy sometimes for no apparent reason. Blame it on hormones; call it childish—I don’t care. It happens. When I’m in an emotional state that seems to have no rational reason, Turner knows to do one or all of three things, not necessarily in this order:  1) He needs to just hold me and listen. 2) He needs to feed me. And 3) He needs to wait for my ‘cue’ before he takes action.

After twenty-two years of marriage, I’m happy to tell you that we don’t have it all figured out when it comes to effective communication. But looking back, these five tips have helped strengthen our marriage while allowing for transformation and grace in our lives as a couple and as individuals.

What about you? Do you think we talk too much in our relationships or not enough?