This post is going to be difficult to write because I have to use the word “I” so much.  It’s clear I have some issues when it comes to letting people near. I wrote a series of posts about this titled RAW here.

It’s also clear God continues to work on me in this area. The other day while at lunch with a couple of friends, one of them said, “Celi, you never talk! You’re so reserved. Next time you have to come prepared to talk about yourself for 45 minutes.”

I laughed. I could tell you all about myself in five minutes or less.  I call this “the glossy abridged version”. I don’t feel the need to divulge much about myself in casual conversation. I’m content to listen.

But am I allowing myself true intimacy in my friendships if I don’t talk about myself and my past?  I have to pause to think. I can count on one hand the number of people I’ve trusted enough to open my heart.

I’m not saying there is anything wrong with being quiet. When quiet people speak, they tend to hand out a gold nugget. I’m also not implying you should go around blabbing to everyone about your troubles and past transgressions. We all know people who “over-share” within minutes of meeting someone. I get that a lot. Good thing I’m trustworthy!

I just hope you’re letting the Holy Spirit lead about with whom you share. First share with God, then share with someone you trust, in that order.

I’m reading a book and attending a class about intimacy called Passion Pursuit: What Kind of Love are You Making based on the book by Linda Dillow and Dr. Juli Slattery. It’s about pursuing passion in your marriage, but that’s not the only reason I’m taking a class and reading a book about intimacy:   I realized if there are areas in my life where I tend to hold back in my relationship with my husband and in my friendships, I’m probably holding myself back in my relationship with God.

I know that God has called me to share who I really am, the messy and the miraculous, because in so doing I can share the good news about whom he is and what he has done for us in Christ Jesus. But I can’t portray God well if I’m still insecure in my relationship with Him. Trusting that he loves me is an ongoing battle that inhibits true intimacy. How many times will he forgive me before he says, “I never knew you?” Honestly, that question keeps me up at night. I can’t imagine a more terrible thing than being rejected by my Creator.

I know that he loves me on a cerebral level (I like to camp out there—in my head), but I don’t trust that he always loves me. I know what grace means. I just can’t always feel grace. I’ve been too bad. I continually break his heart. I am disobedient. I hope not feeling worthy of love isn’t always an issue, but even if it is, as I suspect it is for many of us, I pray being honest finally brings true intimacy in my relationships.

As I type these words, I want to chicken out. But I can’t. I need to say that I have intimacy issues because of some things I’ve done and some things that have happened to me—hard things, ugly things, shameful things.

I didn’t believe I was still having much trouble with the things that happened to me. It is my nature to forgive easily—or so I thought.

The other day, though, I got on my knees and realized I had to tell God that I forgave him, too, for being sovereign and omniscient and allowing bad things to happen to me. I know with my head and my heart he was with me way back when, crying with me and reassuring me.  Still, I needed to tell him those words, to go over the details with him in order to let him off the hook.  I can’t trust a God to whom I cannot trust my thoughts. So I prayed I’d know him fully and intimately. I prayed I could yada Him.

“The Hebrew word used in the Old Testament for ‘to know deeply’ is yada.  It is an active form of knowing, pursuing, and experiencing.  Yada is used to indicate a knowing of facts, the learning of skill, and even the deep knowing in sexual intercourse.” Passion Pursuit; Linda Dillow & Dr. Juli Slattery

The things I have done as a result of my brokenness are more difficult for me to reconcile. So I am letting God do it for me. That same day that I told God I forgave him, not because he needs forgiven, but because I needed to be honest, I also told myself I forgave me for perpetuating the lies I’d believed about myself and God, and for any sin I’d committed as a result.

I wish I could tell you I felt instantly better about myself. I didn’t feel a tremendous weight lifted off my shoulders, truthfully. I simply felt I had identified an area of brokenness I need God’s help to heal. It turns out becoming beautiful means being slowly transformed from glory unto glory.

Beautiful one:  Maybe you’re still doing things that make you feel shameful—eating disorders, sexual sins, addictions to drugs and alcohol, etc..–things rooted in a difficult present situation or a broken past with hurtful memories.

Maybe you, like me, don’t always trust that God can love you in and through your wretchedness.

Maybe you, like me, need to forgive someone, including God and yourself, in order to feel true intimacy with God and others.

Maybe you, like me, need to get on your knees and bathe Jesus’ feet with the raw and precious perfume of your tears.

True intimacy begins with all the raw emotion, even–no, especially–the misconceptions and misgivings of our tender hearts.

“I am the rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys.” Song of Solomon 2:1

You and I need to trust that God will know what to do with all of who we are as we become more beautiful.